Friday, November 26, 2010

Day 26- Have You Ever Thought About Giving Up on Life? If So, When and Why?

Life can throw a lot of unexpected things at you. Life can also give you choices on what to do in certain situations. When it comes down to it, you as a person are the only one to make these decisions. Sometimes it's hard to do... especially when life throws you stressful situations or bad experiences. I have had to make some really difficult decisions in my life, but in the end I felt that I made the right ones and moved forward with my life.

Now, this blog topic is asking if I ever thought about giving up on life. No, I have never done that. There are way too may people and things that I care about to throw in the towel. However... I have imagined the "what if's" and came up with a very plausible scenario.

If I was still married to Brian, I could see that I would fall into a deep depression. The longer I would stay with him, the deeper it would get. I wouldn't feel motivated to do anything. I would slack off at work and eventually get fired, then not even attempt to look for a new job. I would stop trying to fight with Brian; I would lose the motivation to get fired up over an argument. The only things I would do during the day would be to either sit on a couch and sort of watch television or to just lay in bed all day. This would not be a good atmosphere for my son. My family and friends would try to help me out, but I would avoid them and reject their advice. I would cry a lot.

Then, I would think of ways to end all my pain, my suffering. But how??? Would I fill up the tub and use a razor on my wrists? Would I drink a bunch of alcohol and swallow whatever pills I could have access to? Would I take a knife to my heart? Would I even succeed in doing this???

It's a very scary thought that, given time, it could have happened. It's something that once you do it, you don't get to go back and change things. It's permanent. I may not be alive right now. My family could be completely torn apart. A lot of my friends would be in complete shock that I was the type of person to do that to myself.

Writing this blog made me a little sick to my stomach, especially when imagining the amount of pain I would be in if I cut my wrists. Life is way too precious to lose.... which is why I am happy that I appreciate life too much to consider the "easy way out."

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