Monday, November 29, 2010

Day 29- Something You Hope to Change About Yourself and Why

I wrote this blog a couple weeks ago thinking I had a really great topic. It was about how I need to let go of what others think about choices in my life and do what makes me happy (with an example of what happened when I tried to get a job at Cirilla's- an adult novelty store for those that don't know). But then the holiday weekend happened. Between Thanksgiving dinner with the family, work, two baby showers, and cancelling my own birthday celebration with friends, something became very apparent to me.

I feel pretty damned lonely.

One of my newest acquaintances, whom I found on Twitter a few weeks ago, made a comment on one of Saturday's blogs about how the holidays are particularly hard when not in a relationship. He's right, especially since there are so many events, parties, family gatherings and such that bring relationship statuses to light. It's been a little over three years since my last relationship ended (yes my marriage) so the desire to be in a new one is very high for me. I've had a couple opportunities for relationships, but I've turned them down because I don't want a relationship for the sake of just being in one. That's not my style.

Now, the loneliness isn't just about the lack of a significant other in my life. I'm not one of those people who NEEDS a relationship to make my life seem meaningful (although it would be nice to have that special someone). There's my current lifestyle that gets me that way too. I sometimes feel isolated from my close friends. Some of them are married with kids and some are single with no kids. I'm the divorced one with a kid. Yes, that was my choice and I don't regret it at all, but sometimes it's difficult to be with my married friends while they are with their spouses. Or "guy hunting" with the single friends. Those friends will hook up with someone just for the "high" of momentarily attention from a stranger. I'm not one to pick up guys at bars/clubs (and vice versa) so maybe that is more of a contributing factor that watching my girl friends attempt to hook up.

My job is another example of my loneliness. I am happy to have a job and I love the people I work with, but sometimes I feel like the oddball because my coworkers are either 3-6 years younger than me or a couple decades older. There is a little bit of a generation gap with me and the younger crowd (and that became very apparent when most of them saw my Halloween costume and had NO CLUE who Rainbow Brite was). My job also has me working every Friday and Saturday night, which can be crazy as hell, dead, or a slow, steady flow of customers. Whenever I am done early on those nights and want to do something socially... I usually have a difficult time finding anyone or anything to do. So I go home and play on the Internet for the night (sometimes watching a movie or two).

So, the loneliness.... that's what I want to change about myself. I hope that decorating my house with Christmas goodness will help snap me out of it, since it always puts me in the spirit of the season. That, and I have a few upcoming social events that I'm looking forward to. Here's hoping for a merry December!

1 comment:

  1. Great post. This would be number two on my list. I completely agree with you. I get so tired of being alone but at the same time I am not the kind of person to go hook up with someone at a bar just for a quick one night stand. If I'm going to be with someone I want it to be someone I have things in common with, have feelings for and will be around for a while in my life. When I first got to Missouri I was trying to meet people on dating sights. I went through that last bad depression cycle and didn't want to even try anymore. But now I am back to trying to find someone again. The problem is now the dating sights have all locked down to the point that you have to be a member to talk to anyone. I have a profile on Someone view my profile yesterday and sent an email to me through the sight. I have no idea who and can't even look at the subject line of the email because I'm not a member. Knowing my luck its a spammer anyway but how would I know? Its so frustrating and maddening. I just have to take a step back and wait for the Universe's plan to unfold at this point. I am getting pretty sick of waiting on the Universe though.